I write this letter or blog or excerpt whatever this might turn out to be after a very long time. Probably I am writing after months.
And it’s really hard for a person like me to pull that off but sometimes it’s probably too heavy to pen it down or maybe it’s better if you pen it down. Honestly, I have lost all sense of what works and what doesn’t even for myself so to speak.
But here I am taking another stab at it. I have believed in the power of storytelling, nurtured a community of millions sharing their story holding hands to get to a point of solitude.
But when it came to me. I lost sense of myself and the right things to do.
Flashback to the same time of the year in 2022.
I was at my absolute best. Or if I quote it differently, I was at the best that I found absolutely perfect for myself. That entailed me literally sometimes not sleeping at all for days at once, taking meetings until 5 am and still loving what I was doing.
I had the job of my dreams and the business that I loved and both went pretty well only to fuck them up later with my own mental state.
I did not take a break in 3 years or so, no vacation, no occasion nothing. My family hated that, they hate me still for that and for the version I am right now. Guess what??? I can never fix that bit completely and after all who can in this world do that just the right way?
And then it was the same month I met someone nice to me for no reason. I have been on that side only to realise that this sucks.
I said and did all I could to push him away but a few people don’t really give up, or maybe they don’t give up until they reach their expiration date.
Yeah I am talking about humans can you imagine….
Hahahaa
So, that happened.
Eventually, I realised I was being too hard on him and maybe myself too. He didn’t like my work schedule etc and I tried to work on that but that was okay.
What I had to work on was to stop pushing people away. This is a habit I inculcated over the years to protect myself it was not easy to get over it at all. It still isn’t and it damn wasn’t.
Things started making sense. Until it was March and everything fell apart. I don’t know the right or wrong. Everyone is right in their world.
But my world broke apart. It started when I was on this trip with my family in Dubai.
It was a 10-day thing. I ate nothing for 10 days. Just coffee sometimes to only end up in the hospital and lose 5 kg in 10 days or 7 to be precise.
It was still okay. I came back to India and tried to work on everything and make it better but nothing worked. Things are better now from where it was.
But oh my goodness….
Honestly, the worst has happened and the way I always catered to it was more work, more and more of it.
This time nothing worked.
If I am brutally honest I had to for the first time apply for leave and not only that lie about me being at the hospital while all I did was stay in bed.
Since March, I don’t even remember the number of times I have fainted and ended up in the hospital even because of a slight discomfort or situation. My mind and body completely lost it this time.
I didn’t say a word in months and I tell you my family is not used to it. They were so worried or pissed that they ended up asking me to leave the house altogether and I almost ended up doing that.
And then suddenly a few honest conversations, giggles, humour, work started getting me to where I was. I started speaking again. The fainting was not so often and car crashing continued.
Last night I again ended up in the hospital with another slight discomfort.
But it surely got better from where it was. I found back the child in me to some extent maybe to lose it again maybe not who knows.
Now while I write and share all this the whole point of it is: that we all push people, situations and a lot away to protect ourselves, our sanity, our lives, and the people who matter.
But the words we say, hear, and share holds a lot of power. Be mindful of what you say to people and if you end up saying something can we for a change start being accountable to our thoughts and sayings?
You might not even know what you might end up doing by saying things for the sake of it or just because you were in the mood then.
And we are all humans let’s stop acting like we are not. And start protecting, caring, loving and growing with and for each other.
Remember, each one of us matters. And even if they might not say it, it still does hurt. Leave the people, project, job, place anything and everything in a better state than what you found it in, that’s the whole point of it right?!
Until next time….
Well, I don’t know. I am still learning to start writing again.